The nature of men’s conversation can be described as what they call a ‘dick measuring contest’. Every time there is more than one man, a conversation automatically turns into such a contest no matter how sophisticated they may appear.

As a human being of the male variant, I have had the privilege of getting involved in various highly sophisticated male conversations with no female presence.

It’s my pleasure to have this opportunity to share what I think are the most common male conversational topics. (Please note that this piece of the article mainly concerns heterosexual males as the other kinds of men might not be too keen to discuss themes concerning the opposite sex.)

How to pick up chicks (or mostly useless advice on how to initiate romantic encounters with women)

Regardless of whether they actually practise their ‘techniques’ or not, men love to talk about how to pick up chicks. The interesting thing is that what they discuss in their heated-up conversations is often (if not always) of little help (if not completely useless).

A man says gaily, ‘hey, I came up with this idea of how to pick up chicks in a bar.’ Then he goes on about how he can efficiently meet women who are willing to share a bed with him by walking up to a random attractive woman in a bar and saying, ‘hey listen, I don’t care what you think, I just want to have sex with you and nothing more. Come with me if you can handle it.’

Another man would say, ‘what if I dressed as a giant mouse and go to a bar; would I get attentions from girls?’ Then he talks about all kinds of props he can use to get some female action.

Wingman is also something men talk about often. One might say, ‘I think the ultimate wingman is a gay dude. You know, he won’t be your competition, and he knows how to talk to girls.’ His theory is based on a very innocent assumption that gay men not only enjoy talking to women but that they are also good at it.

Pickup lines are invented for happy male conversations. Their purpose is to give men things to talk about more than to meet women successfully. Often, one has the impression that men enjoying talking about meeting women more than actually meeting them.

Dating stories (or how they successfully/unsuccessfully got into girls’ pants)

Some men, despite their inability to come up with a viable pickup strategy, manage to achieve some kind of female companionship. Now’s the time for them to talk about it.

‘Man, you don’t believe what happened last night,’ a man starts a conversation. ‘I was hanging out with a group of friends and there was this new girl in the group. We went to a bar but our party ended rather early and we went home. Now this new girl happened to be from somewhere not so far from where I live so we took the train together. She was kind of cute and, since we had some time, I suggested we go to another bar, to which she agreed. Eventually, the last train was gone and…’ so the story goes on.

Sometimes, a man seeks advice. ‘I’ve been going out with this girl for a while and I’ll be meeting her again on Saturday. It will be our third date. Now, the thing is, nothing really happened on the first two dates but I want some action this time. What do I do?’ he asks. Another man would say, ‘well, you just go for it. Just invite her over to your place and proceed from there.’ Another one, seeing the opportunity to show off what a player he is, would say, ‘if I were you, I would have gone all the way on the first date. You see, I don’t take no bullshit,’ and he feels tough.

It is important for men to get laid, and it is an implied goal in every dating story. When a man achieves such a goal, other men congratulate him for his deed while being mildly jealous. When someone is not successful, men are sorry but think that they could have done better.

Superpower (or which superpower is the best)

Every man wants to have a superpower. The question is: which one is the best?

This question is of very high importance; a man is allowed to have only one kind of superpower. You are expected to provide a valid argument supporting your primary choice.

Some like to have a mind-reading ability. Their hypothesis is that if they had it, they would be able to tell whether women were interested in them or not. This theory is not immune to refutation. Some believe knowing if a given woman has romantic desire towards a man is not particularly elusive, thus the superpower in question doesn’t have as much value as one may think.

Some would think that flying is something worth considering. If you would like to make such a statement, you would have to present a convincing argument in terms of sky safety. Providing countermeasures to possible collision with winged creatures might be advisable.

The discussion will heat up if you like to support the power of going back in time. In this particular case, the very feasibility of the power should be put into question. You will get into an extremely complex discussion on the possible fundamental contradiction of the concept of time travelling.

Drugs (or who has been in the toughest situation because of them)

Being dangerous means cool, at least to some extent. Talking about doing drugs is men’s favourite way of showing that they are able male beings.

Men can talk about almost any drugs with other men. Various substances like cannabis and mushrooms are usually safe to talk about. If it’s something that comes in powder or tablet, it’s also acceptable to be the conversational topic. However, if it is anything beyond, one might want to exercise caution. In addition, a distinguished man must tell his stories in a casual manner; coming across as an addict is to be avoided. Any man who cannot talk about recreational substances without having withdrawal symptoms is advised to seek professional help.

There are usually two types of conversations regarding such substances: experience using it and dealing it. As a perceptive reader may have guessed, dealing it will earn more of what is known as man points as it requires more business acumen. A man can still command respect by presenting a humorous episode of dealing a false drug, maybe an account where he successfully sold oregano by convincing people that it was something more exciting

Geek talk (or who has done the most useless stuff using the most convoluted technology)

If normal men show off their pricy vehicles, geeks show off their technical skills. Men who put a high importance on a working knowledge of manipulating machines want to prove themselves in their own way.

A man would say, ‘I was kind of bored yesterday, so I hacked my neighbour’s private Wi-Fi.’ What he is trying to establish is that he’s the kind of guy who would be involved in activities of questionable legality; hence he is a bad guy. Another man would respond to this by saying, ‘yeah, I sometimes code spyware for fun in some obscure programming language like Clojure.’ This guy is trying to say that he is not only a bad-ass, but also a savant who possesses deep knowledge that the other man is not aware of.

These men often indulge in ‘which is better’ conversations: iPhone vs Android if they are soft core; Emacs vs Vim if they are knowledgeable of software development. They will provide varying complex arguments so as to justify their beloved tools of choice.

Intense work life (or how Japanese guys use their misery to prove manhood)

If there’s something in which Japanese guys could top the average in terms of length, it will be working hours. Needless to say, this could easily be a favourite conversational topic that fits very well into the nature of male communication.

‘Do you know how many overtime hours I did last month? It was like 100 hours. How shitty is that!’ a man says, making sure that the tone is depressing. ‘Really?’ joins in another man, ‘that’s sad isn’t it? But you know, I was like constantly taking the last train last month. I am glad that there were last trains because it forces you to stop working. But I wish I didn’t have to work on weekends too. You know, all those hours were unpaid.’ So he wins.

Are they enjoying sacrificing their lives in the name of male virtue? The answer is yet to be found. But this is a dangerous path. Excessive working hours may lead to either voluntary or involuntary death. However, they are driven by inexplicable work ethics that real men must work as long as it takes; they are fighting with an invisible enemy.

How many men lost their lives on the way to prove themselves? Since the beginning of mankind, men have been trying to become real men. It has never been easy and many lives were lost. But men will continue walking the road to manhood as long as the earth endures.

Male conversations are men’s futile attempt to win imaginary glory.